Buiten loeien de sirenes en binnen tikken de uren voort.
De late uren verglijden naadloos in de vroege.
Het bed is al weken niet warm of koesterend meer.
De lakens zijn klam geworden in pogingen te vergeten en tenminste eens per nacht af te glijden in nietszeggende slaap. Vergeefse pogingen. Ik slaap en vergeet niets.
De slaap wil me niet langer vatten want Zij is bij me in bed geslopen. Ze ligt rechts van mij, haar hoofd steunt op haar hand, haar elleboog drukt in mijn witte kussen en haar ogen zijn op mij gericht. Ik ken haar. Ze is Eenzaamheid en ze is klaar mij in haar armen te sluiten.

Stukje bij beetje schuift ze nabij. Ik kan haar ogen al bijna lezen, haar omfloerste blik en voel haar koude adem op mijn huid. Zij, zoetgevooisde lichtekooi van isolatie.

Even was er nog een kiertje, zo tussen de gordijnen en iedere morgen straalde de hoop van de ochtend nog binnen. Dan ving ik snel het schaarse licht. Pakte ik het spiegeltje dat op mijn nachtkastje ligt en ving ik het licht precies daar waar het de lakens zou raken. Dan stopte ik het in een doosje en stopte ik het doosje bij me. Zo had ik een laatste restje hoop op zak.

De laatste drie dagen verlichtte niets mijn lakens meer. Zag ik in mijn spiegeltje enkel haar holle ogen. De vastberaden trek om haar lippen. Waardoor heen ze zwijgend sist: ‘Dit is hoe het is. Ik hoor bij jou.’

Want ze weet dat het zal gaan gebeuren. Vandaag of morgen, one way or another. Als geen ander kent ze mijn verlangen te versmelten, samen te vallen. Mijzelf en de uitdaging die dit leven heet voor even te verliezen. En ze weet dat wanneer zij de enige is… ze niets anders hoeft te doen dan te wachten. En zo is zij het, die ieder de laan uit stuurt. Mij drijft naar net iets te veel of net iets te weinig. In het spiegeltje stift ze haar lippen rood. Steekt er een sigaret tussen, knipoogt naar me en wacht. Tot het donker genoeg is en niets ons meer onderscheiden zal.

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